The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

Rule 001 » Once you have their money, you never give it back.
Rule 002 » The best deal is the one that brings the most profit.
Rule 003 » Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to.
Rule 004 » A woman wearing clothes is like a man in the kitchen.
Rule 005 » If you can’t break a contract, bend it.
Rule 006 » Never allow family to stand in the way of opportunity.
Rule 007 » Keep your ears open.
Rule 008 » Small print leads to large risk.
Rule 009 » Opportunity plus instinct equals profit.
Rule 010 » Greed is eternal.
Rule 011 » Even if it’s free, you can always buy it cheaper.
Rule 012 » Anything worth doing is worth doing for money.
Rule 013 » Anything worth doing is worth doing twice.
Rule 014 » Keep your family close, keep your Latinum closer.
Rule 015 » Acting stupid is often smart.
Rule 016 » A deal is a deal. (until a better one comes along).
Rule 017 » A contract is a contract is a contract – but only between Ferengi.
Rule 018 » A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all.
Rule 019 » Satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Rule 020 » Only give money to people you know you can steal from.
Rule 021 » Never place friendship before profit.
Rule 022 » A wise man can hear profit in the wind.
Rule 024 » Latinum can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it.
Rule 025 » There’s always a way out.
Rule 026 » As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer.
Rule 027 » There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.
Rule 028 » Whisper your way to success.
Rule 029 » What’s in it for me?
Rule 030 » Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money.
Rule 031 » Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother. (insult something he cares about, instead).
Rule 032 » Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects.
Rule 033 » It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
Rule 034 » War is good for business.
Rule 035 » Peace is good for business.
Rule 036 » Too many Ferengi can’t laugh at themselves anymore.
Rule 037 » If it’s free, take it and worry about hidden costs later.
Rule 039 » Friendship is temporary; profit is forever.
Rule 040 » She can touch your lobes, but never your Latinum.
Rule 041 » Profit is its own reward.
Rule 042 » What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too.
Rule 043 » Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon.
Rule 044 » Never confuse wisdom with luck.
Rule 045 » Ambition knows no family.
Rule 046 » Make your shop easy to find.
Rule 047 » Don’t trust a man wearing a better suit than your own.
Rule 048 » The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
Rule 049 » Everything is worth something to somebody.
Rule 050 » Gratitude can bring on generosity.
Rule 051 » Reward anyone who adds to your profits so they will continue to do so.
Rule 052 » Never ask when you can take.
Rule 057 » Good customers are as rare as Latinum, Treasure them.
Rule 058 » There is no substitute for success.
Rule 059 » Free advice is seldom cheap.
Rule 060 » Keep your lies consistent.
Rule 061 » Never buy what can be stolen.
Rule 062 » The riskier the road, the greater the profit.
Rule 065 » Win or lose, there’s always Huyperian beetle snuff.
Rule 068 » Ear stroking will get you anything.
Rule 069 » Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races.
Rule 070 » Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise.
Rule 071 » There’s a customer born every minute.
Rule 072 » Never trust your customers.
Rule 073 » If it gets you profit, sell your own mother.
Rule 075 » Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum.
Rule 076 » Every once in a while, declare peace. “It confuses the hell out of your enemies”.
Rule 077 » It’s better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit.
Rule 078 » When the going gets tough, the tough change the Rules.
Rule 079 » Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge.
Rule 082 » The flimsier the product, the higher the price.
Rule 084 » A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount.
Rule 085 » Never let the competition know what you’re thinking.
Rule 087 » A friend in need means three times the profit.
Rule 089 » Ask not what your profits can do for you, ask what you can do for your profits.
Rule 092 » There are many paths to profit.
Rule 093 » Act without delay! The sharp knife cuts quickly.
Rule 094 » Females and finances don’t mix.
Rule 095 » Expand or die.
Rule 096 » For every Rule, there is an equal and opposite Rule, (except when there’s not).
Rule 097 » Enough… is never enough.
Rule 098 » Every man has his price.
Rule 099 » Trust is the biggest liability of all.
Rule 100 » If they take your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much.
Rule 101 » The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it.
Rule 102 » Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever.
Rule 103 » Sleep can interfere with…
Rule 104 » Faith moves mountains… (of inventory).
Rule 105 » Don’t trust anyone who trusts you.
Rule 106 » There is no honor in poverty.
Rule 107 » A warranty is valid only if they can find you.
Rule 109 » Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
Rule 111 » Treat people in your debt like family, exploit them [ruthlessly].
Rule 112 » Never have sex with the boss’ sister.
Rule 113 » Always have sex with the boss.
Rule 115 » The best contract always has a lot of fine print.
Rule 116 » There’s always a catch.
Rule 117 » Everything is for sale, including friendship.
Rule 119 » Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet, (…sometimes, good things come in small packages).
Rule 121 » Everything is for sale, including friendship.
Rule 123 » Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum.
Rule 125 » You can’t make a deal if you’re dead.
Rule 126 » Count it.
Rule 127 » Stay neutral in conflict so that you can sell supplies to both sides.
Rule 135 » Never trust a beneficiary.
Rule 139 » Wives serve, brothers inherit.
Rule 141 » Only fools pay retail.
Rule 142 » There’s no such thing as an unfair advantage.
Rule 143 » Risk is part of the game… play it for all it’s worth.
Rule 144 » There’s nothing wrong with charity…as long as it winds up in your pocket.
Rule 146 » Necessity, n. The mother of invention. Profit is the father.
Rule 152 » A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn’t know.
Rule 153 » Sell the sizzle, not the steak.
Rule 162 » Even in the worst of times, someone turns a profit.
Rule 168 » Whisper your way to success.
Rule 169 » Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive.
Rule 171 » Blood is thicker than water, and Latinum is thicker than both.
Rule 172 » Chances aren’t what they used to be.
Rule 177 » Know your enemies… but do business with them always.
Rule 181 » Not even dishonesty can tarnish the shine of profit.
Rule 188 » A fool and his money is the best customer.
Rule 189 » Let others keep their reputation. You keep their money.
 Rule 190 » Hear all, trust nothing.
 Rule 191 » A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves.
 Rule 192 » Never cheat a Klingon… unless you’re sure you can get away with it.
Rule 194 » It’s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door.
Rule 200 » If you’re going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable.
Rule 202 » The justification of profit is profit.
Rule 203 » New customers are like razor-backed Gree worms… They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back!
Rule 204 » It takes a Ferengi to cheat a Ferengi.
Rule 208 » Sometimes the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
Rule 211 » Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success… don’t hesitate to step on them.
Rule 212 » Never give away for free what can be sold.
Rule 214 » Never begin a business negotiation on an empty stomach.
Rule 216 » Never gamble with an empath.
Rule 217 » You can’t free a fish from water.
Rule 218 » Always know what you’re buying
Rule 219 » Possession is 11/10 of the law.
Rule 223 » Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox.
Rule 229 » Latinum lasts longer than lust.
Rule 231 » There’s a sucker born every minute; be sure you’re the first to find each one.
Rule 236 » You can’t buy fate.
Rule 239 » Never be afraid to mislabel a product.
Rule 241 » Never trust a hardworking employee.
Rule 242 » More is good… all is better.
Rule 253 » Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer’s stuck purse.
Rule 255 » A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant, a necessity.
Rule 256 » Accountants do not play the game; they only keep the score.
Rule 260 » Life’s not fair. How else would you turn a profit?
Rule 261 » A wealthy man can afford anything except a conscience.
Rule 262  » A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Rule 263 » Never allow doubt to tarnish your lust for Latinum.
Rule 265 » The customer is always right, (…until you get their cash).
Rule 266 » When in doubt, lie.
Rule 267 » If you believe it, they believe it.
Rule 270 » In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator.
Rule 277 » Anything worth fighting for is worth hiding from.
Rule 284 » Deep down, everyone’s a Ferengi.
Rule 285 » No good deed ever goes unpunished.
Rule 286 » When Morn leaves, it’s all over. (Quark made this rule up)


October 2017
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